I’ll never forget the day I was standing in the checkout line of a crowded discount department store with my two-year-old son in tow. I was toting him on one hip while trying to balance an armful of clothes when a large-sized, middle-aged woman entered the store. His innocent eyes brimming with genuine amazement, my son loudly exclaimed, "That’s a BIGGGGGG lady right there, mommy!"

Not only did the woman hear his very public appraisal of her appearance, so did everyone else within a few hundred feet. As the adults standing in line near us began to giggle and guffaw, the woman briskly walked away, her face burning red with anger and embarrassment.

I stood there, stunned, half wanting to run after her and apologize and half wanting to give the adults around me a piece of my mind about their rude and thoughtless reactions to my son’s innocent, albeit embarrassing, remark. But, I did neither.

After finally making my purchase and heading to the car, I did have a private chat with my son about not making loud comments about other people’s appearances because it could be hurtful or embarrassing. But I knew I needed to do more. Three questions lingered in my mind:

• What could I as a parent teach my son about tolerance and acceptance of differences and empathy for the feelings of others?
• What message did the behavior of those adults send my son about large people?
• What could those adults be teaching their own kids?

A learned bias
The fact of the matter is kids of all ages are attuned to picking up the differences of others. It’s perfectly normal. But, how kids respond to these differences is impacted largely by parents, caregivers and other adults in their lives. If parents and other adults convey the notion that overweight is bad or something to be ashamed of, our kids not only internalize this message, they also project it in their interactions with others.

My son’s non-malicious comment is magnified three times over in classrooms, lunchrooms and on playgrounds everyday. Large children are frequently singled out, ridiculed, teased and bullied by peers because of their size. Studies show overweight kids are even treated differently by teachers. And, girls begin obsessing about weight and dieting at younger and younger ages, many developing eating disorders and literally dying to be thin.

We live in a society where television commercials, magazine covers, music videos and nearly all outlets of popular culture flaunt and celebrate images of the wafer thin, supermodel or the buff, muscle-bound hunk. Day in and day out, our kids are programmed to believe these images represent reality. As parents, we must work to help our kids create their own reality.

Helping your kids un-learn the bias
Many conscientious parents are well aware of the importance of fostering respect for differences in race, class or religion. But size difference is often overlooked. Deborah Burgard, a psychologist specializing in issues related to eating, weight and body image, says parents must address size along with other tolerance lessons.

Burgard says there are many ways parents can help combat media images, build their kids' self-esteem and tone-down the teasing and bullying that occurs among children:

1. Lead by example
   Be cognizant of what you say and do in front of your children. Do not make negative or rude comments about large people. Don’t laugh at others’ fat jokes. Be mindful of how you glamorize others ("Oh, I wish I had Michelle’s thighs or Susan’s abs").

2. Love your own body
   Take care of your body. Allow your children to hear you say positive things about your body and tone down the self-criticism. Do not obsess over your own weight. Eat healthily and avoid displaying negative or guilty responses to food.

3. Emphasize media literacy
   Have a household where people are talking about what they’re seeing on TV, and not being hypnotized by it. Discuss why a car commercial features skinny women beside the automobiles. Emphasize the fact that advertisers’ primary goals are to sell products and make money.

4. Question culture
   Pay attention to the celebrities your kids emulate. Know the magazines your kids read and the shows they watch on TV. Talk to your kids about the images their favorite celebrities portray and point out that these images don’t necessarily equal happiness. Teach your children that there are happy people in the world who don’t look like supermodels or bodybuilders. Encourage your children to have real-life, everyday role models.

5. Respect each other.
   Don’t make jokes about mom or dad's "thunder thighs" or "beer gut." Give each other explicit admiration for your accomplishments. Caregivers play an important role in teaching both girls and boys what to expect in the future. Teach them that it’s desirable to be respected for who they are and what they do, rather than what they look like.

And as for my shopping trip, Burgard says I could have used the opportunity to not only educate my son, but the adults as well by simply responding, "Yes, she is a big lady and isn’t that amazing. People come in all these different shapes and sizes and that’s a wonderful thing."

That simple comment, Burgard says, would have taken the "sting" out of my son’s remark and sent him -- and others -- the message that large does not equal bad. Next time, perhaps I’ll be better equipped to handle such a situation. And hopefully, you will too!

Dana Williams is a staff writer with Tolerance.org.

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